Apokalipsis
I confess that sometimes I cannot wait for the end of the world. Because the world is nothing but vanity. So many people tuned out and stuck following patterns, chasing after the wind, in cycles of self-involved, selfish boredom. Self-imposed apathy. And meanwhile wars are raging and people are starving, and all around me everyone is posing for family portraits in the photo studios, drowning in pop radio and excess, agonizing over video rentals and dying without meaning, and there is so much horror in the world that we work so relentlessly to gloss over (myself very much included), that I find sometimes I am overwhelmed with a desire to see all that horrible truth burst from the sky and come cascading down, inescapable, like that scene in The Shining when an ocean of blood bursts from the elevator doors.
Lord, I want to see this façade, this farce of an existence, torn to shreds.
It is the Saturday before Easter and I am kneeling before a wooden cross in a room lit by candles. I am supposed to be reflecting on what Jesus’ death. I should be focusing on redemption and repentance, being made clean and blameless by his suffering.
But I can’t.
And this is my prayer:
I feel fed up with this world, tired of fighting it, tired of fighting myself, sick with inadequacy and hopeless, and I don’t really see how it matters that my sins were forgiven. I still sin every single day – You call us to be perfect, but still I am not perfect. Maybe I don’t have enough faith, but I’ve yet to meet a perfect person, and the people who think they are perfect seem to be the furthest from it. This is obvious.
And I realize, I realize, that Your death abolished sin and death and I should be grateful, but honestly? I don’t see any end in sight. People still cling desperately to their sins. Who can lead them? They would not even listen to You when You walked with them! What hope does Your imperfect, fallen church have?
So Lord, I know that it is wrong, but I am filled with a zealous rage for the end of the world.
You came to establish the Kingdom of Heaven. Apparently. I mean that’s what they say.
But Lord, Lord, You could have ripped this world asunder. You could have unveiled something glorious and sparkling and new and blameless. Lord of the Universe – You could have done anything!
But You didn’t.
You died.
And why, exactly?
So I could be washed clean?!
I would like to believe that. I really, really would, but look at me.
You call this clean?
I don’t feel clean. And beyond that, this world does not feel redeemed.
I’m sorry, Jesus, but I do not see how this world could even BE redeemed. Just wipe it out. Please. Me and everyone. Soon. Now. I don’t care.
Today, at the foot of this cross, the most uplifting message I can scrape together is that Christ was too good for the world. Or something. But I can’t even seem to cling to that.
There are only two sour prayers echoing in my mind:
The first is that I ache for the end of the world
The second is a phrase I’ve always forbidden myself from thinking, but now it throbs inside of my spirit, like a dull, shapeless bruise.
I cannot help it.
I cannot help but pray, “God damn it.”
...
(this is only part one, taken from last Saturday . . . part two is coming . . .)
posted by Aaron at 12:49 AM
6 Comments:
everyone go home?
...
You know, Aaron, I've actually been thinking a lot on the subject of Jesus and these things lately myself. I know I certainly don't have the knowledge of the Bible and the church going experience that y'all have, but it doesn't mean I don't ponder it sometimes.
The most I can come up with at this point of the day is that maybe Jesus died simply so we could eventually understand that we are not perfect, and in that way, "saving us" by giving us the tools to save ourselves?
I remember singing a Motet in Women's Choir and it was Jesus telling his disciples that one of them will betray him and he will be taken away. It was a really beautiful piece. But anyway that's besides the point.
He knew that he was going to be betrayed, he even told everyone it was going to happen, but in a way, he still forgave Judas beforehand.
We are human, we have shortcomings and uncleanliness, but we must accept who we are and try to change it for the better, not give up and hope for everything to be wiped out.
I think the biggest lesson that needs to be learned from Jesus is that humankind needs to be mature and recognize that good things do not come from being passive, and that you need to be responsible and think about your actions and most of all stand up for what you believe in.
I've really been realizing lately that my problem with Christianity is its focus on "Jesus saving everyone and washing them of their sins"....but I think what is realized that you need to wash yourself of your sins. Yes, perhaps if you need to, you can use Jesus as an example and look up to him and say, "I want to become like that", but understand that you (and humanity in general) are a working project, and it takes time.
I mean, it has been 2006 years and look where we are. Changes are going to have to happen, but I really sincerely hope that it does not involve the world being wiped out. We have so much to learn.
Anyway, I hope some of that makes sense. I'm at work and felt like thinking today. haha.
I hope part II does not end with "God damn" and perhaps instead with a "Thank You"
and this all coming from little agnostic keika...hm.
Can I call you that for now on? Little Agnostic Keika?
Aro...I understand.
Or I don't and I just think I do. But I understand SOMEthing and it seems to be in line with this. But different.
ditto with Grant and keika.
But I don't agree wanting to have the world wiped out.I understand the helplessness, hopelessness, and exhaustion of living and striving for something greater than yourself.Maybe this is selfish of me, but, I'm not ready for the world to end. There is So much I want to experience, taste, feel, and accomplish...I just don't feel it is time yet. Like unfinished business. It's easy to get caught up in those feelings, in yourself, and not be able to see anything good or worthy in this world, but on the other hand there is SO much beauty around me, in my friends, art, music, even my stupid cat(bad example) that sometimes I just want to cry. It's overwhelming.
No, not yet. But once again, that is not up to me.
Ignore me.
hmmm
Thanks for the comments and thoughts, everyone. I love you all, and will respond more indepth later.
I'm a pretty optimistic person and don't typically like sharing the darker side of myself, but in this case I am able to write about the death of Jesus because of his resurrection. I was blessed to be able to take something of a spiritual journey during the end of Holy Week, when I felt the dispair shown here on Saturday after Jesus died, and tremendous joy on Sunday.
I had hoped to write part two, which will delve into that part tonight, but I don't think I will have time. I hope I am not spoiling it by saying that it ends well!
Chelsea and Keika, you both said some beautiful things, and I don't really want to ruffle with them! but I'll write a few things anyhow.
Keika, if I get you right, you're talking a lot about hope, and the potential to grow and to heal and to forgive, not just others, but ourselves as well. There may be no better lesson for us 23-year olds, who are struggling to make it in the "real world." jeez! My main issue is that I think I know who I want to be, but I so often fall short of that and it drives me crazy! I do believe that my walk with God is pretty much the only thing that's gotten me as far as I've come, though. Being patient with ourselves (And the world!) is hard.
Chelsea, you kind of speak to the exact opposite of what I was going through. That's the hopeful, joyful place I try and live as often as possible. Sometimes, the reason I feel that the world can end at any moment is because I have experienced so much beauty and wonder in this life already that I don't feel I can honestly ask for any more. Isn't it great that there IS more, though? It's almost incomprehensible!
Grant, thank you for understanding! I don't usually type up dark stuff because I don't want people to think that I'm a dark sorta guy. I don't think I'd keep a blog if I didn't feel understood (I guess a lot of people are different this manner, though!)
AC, thank you for humming!
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